Being a mother who outlives her child is mind blowing. Itโs a lot of other things too, of course. But on this day, the 23rd anniversary of Mayaโs death, itโs the mind-bending aspect that grabs me.
Mayaโs beautiful face, her fierce brown eyes that snapped with wit and energy, her cloud of blonde hair are very much alive in my memory. When you die at 19, you go out at peak beauty, at least by American cultural norms. Maya was a rose about to blossom. She was on the brink of life.
Six months from now we will celebrate Mayaโs 43rd birthday. I was 43 when Maya died. So this year, a mysterious circle is forming. There are so many โI wondersโ inside the circle of synchronicity, so much conjecture.
How is it possible that my daughter would have four decades under her belt? Sheโd have wrinkles, for gosh sakes, and likely terrible PMS, if she took after me. Sheโd have kids, probably, a career, definitely, and a series of successes and failures to mold her middle age. Sheโd have regrets.
There is a dividing line in my life: Before Maya Died (BMD) and After Maya Died (AMD). BMD I really believed I could control stuff โ well at least I struggled desperately to maintain that fantasy. AMD, I knew for certain I couldnโt.
The transformation that began with Mayaโs death is still under way; its ripples widen my life 23 years later. Children change us whether they live or die. But if they die, your world shifts on its axis. I had no choice but to re-examine everything. And as a writer, I had to write about it.
Swimming with Maya is an exploration of what it meant to be a mother to Maya and Meghan. It is a portrait of a family, as well as of the one who died. John Donne was right โ we arenโt islands, we are all connected in a web of life and relationships.
Maya, age 18 months, at Lake of the Isles in Minneapolis
Our dead are with us, always. As my spiritual mentor Rev. Margaret Stortz said at Mayaโs memorial service, โIt is love that binds from plane to plane.โ And as Mayaโs stepfather Ron said at her funeral, โThis was love in the trenches.โ
My connection to Maya โ and hers to me โ is eternal. Our love was fierce, passionate, and often turbulent, at least during her teenage years. Thankfully, she lived long enough for us to heal a lot of the inevitable wounds.
I would love to have a glass of champagne with Maya today, to toast her incredible, shooting star life, and hear her version of the trajectory that catapulted her into the mystic, as the Van Morrison song says.
So I raise an imaginary glass to Maya. โHereโs to you, honey! You left an imprint on my heart and soul that is indelible. Iโve walked over hot coals for you. And every one has left me changed for the better. Wherever you are, I salute you!โ
Hello Eleanor, How amazing to connect to you via the FB stream and then this blog post. I am still teaching memoir, now I will get your book to add to the memoirs I bring to class. My stepson Brian died 18 months ago at age 33, so we are fresh into the journey… I am most touched to see your face all these years later from our first consciousness raising group in Mpls. and early, early years as writers. Blessings.
Hello, Christina. I’d be delighted to have Swimming with Maya be part of your curriculum. I’m so sorry to hear about Brian’s death. Yes, you are fresh on the journey. I highly recommend The Compassionate Friends as a great peer support organization for families who have lost children. TCF helped me immensely. All the best to you, my friend.
This is beautiful.
Thank you! I hope you are doing well, my “virtual” friend.
I stumbled across your blog at a very fitting time. My daughter was killed in a car accident 4 1/2 years ago. I was 43 at the time as well. Yesterday was her 28th birthday and I wonder all the same things that you do. It’s so unbelievably hard to live everyday after you’ve lost a child and not many people get why it’s still so raw and the pain at times can still bring you to your knees. Your Maya was incredibly beautiful as was my Cindy. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!
Julie,
I’m terribly sorry for your loss. Birthdays can be so difficult. I agree the pain can bring you to your knees. It certainly did me. Just trust that, in time, it does soften. But no one can give you a time frame. Grief is so individual to each of us. Thanks for your support and kind wishes. Hugs back to you!
Thinking of you, Eleanor, and of Maya. Thanks for writing Swimming With Maya. I have given several copies to friends and some pages of the book remind me of Euclid. Neal and I will raise a glass and offer our best to you tonight.
Peggy,
Thank you, my friend. I really appreciate Neal’s and your support. I hope we can visit at our reunion in 2016. It would be nice to be face to face in real time. ๐
This is some strange convergence. My Shawna Renee was nearly 19, as well. And we were just then, in a very good place. At least that. Hugs across years, and miles.
Synchronicity is amazing, isn’t it? I’m so glad you were in a good place. It really does help, I think. Hugs back to you!
Eleanor,
Once again your words strike home. We are approaching our Katie’s 7th year gone–she too was 19 when a cerebral aneurism took her life. For us it’s BKD and AKD ๐ Toasting your beautiful girl (and what a beauty!) with my imaginary champagne glass tonight. To Maya, and to her beautiful mama.
Blessings!
September
September,
Thank you for writing and toasting – I’m sorry we share this journey, but on the other hand, it’s nice to have companions. ๐ I appreciate your kindness.
My heart goes out to you, my Daughter was here for almost 31 years, ((Hugs)) Maya’s Mom
Thank you! I am very sorry for your loss.
Beautiful tribute and comforting reminder “Our dead are with us, always.”
Thank you, Linda. As long as they live in our memories and in our hearts, they are alive in us.
Raising a glass to Maya and you! Your words are beautiful and Swimming with Maya moved me so deeply. {{Hugs}} Is it appropriate to send hugs to someone I’ve never met? Oh well, if not, just know that I am thinking of you!
Grace,
Hugs are always welcome! Thank you for reaching out. I’m thinking of you too.
Beautiful tribute, Eleanor. I’m with you in spirit today, and I’ll drink to Maya too. With love always.
Thank you, dear Madeline. Very comforting.
I miss Maya as well. And somehow, this brought you and I even closer after all of these years. Cheers and love to you and Maya.
Thank you, LeeAnn. Many hugs!