“It’s like we’re in an endless car ride with a drunk at the wheel. No one knows when the pain will stop.”
– Daphne de Marneffe, author and psychologist

If your COVID days blur together, if you feel trapped in an endless Groundhog Day, if you suffer from an inability to focus, or with depression or anxiety, you are not alone. More than half of Americans believe the pandemic is taking a toll on their mental health. The New York Times reports that more than one in three people suffer from symptoms of clinical anxiety.

The toll is far higher for people of color, and with good reason, because they are disproportionately becoming infected and dying in this pandemic.

If you grew up with an unpredictable, mentally ill, alcoholic or abusive parent, the lack of control inherent in the pandemic is particularly hard to bear. Psychologist Daphne de Marneffe, author of The Rough Patch explains that trauma is not about a discrete event, but rather about ongoing helplessness, being on the receiving end of events you can’t control.

As a kid I had no choice but to ally myself with my abusers, covering for them, keeping their secrets, and living in an unpredictable environment where my caregivers too often inflicted harm when they should have offered protection and love. Prolonged periods of helplessness like this can lead to a condition known as Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or C-PTSD.

This condition is lifelong and requires self-care and self-management skills – as well as professional support – beyond the ordinary. COVID re-triggers this trauma, setting adult abuse survivors up for a particularly challenging “car ride with a drunk at the wheel,” as de Marneffe so aptly says.

Some days I feel so helpless and out of control in the face of rampant illness and death, misinformation, willful denial of science, and magical thinking, it’s almost as if I’m back in my child body living the nightmare again. As an adult with years’ worth of coping skills I remind myself I have tools – movement, meditation, deep breathing, reaching out for support and offering support to others – that can help me live in the present.

But the present isn’t all that great either, at least on some days. Back in March and April when we worked so hard to “flatten the curve” by giving up social gatherings and letting go of any expectation of normalcy, at least we could anticipate that our efforts would pay off. Now, we see that only lasted for a few short weeks before premature re-opening led to spikes in cases, and we are back where we started, or in worse shape. It is profoundly disheartening.

Photo credit: Armitage77 on Visualhunt.com / CC BY-NC-ND

How can we get through this? Much depends on your individual vulnerabilities and what you know works to bring you relief. But I’ll offer these reminders from experts:

• Practice self-compassion – step back and call a friend to gain perspective, forgive yourself instead of beating yourself up, or develop personal mantras like, “I can take this one day at a time.” Try writing affirmations on index cards as reminders.

• Find pleasure in small things – for me, making soup or watching the birds, listening to music, or one of my “go to” activities – adult coloring books. Find what works for you.

• Look for meaning – or to be trite, seek out the lessons, the gifts, “the pony” at the bottom of the pile of manure. Challenge can force us to clarify our values and find renewed purpose. If you’re at all inclined to write in a journal, now’s the time.

• Give back and build community – this can be as simple as checking in on a friend or going out in the evening to sing for neighbors, or howl at the moon. The greatest act of altruism now is to wear a mask, and practice physical distancing to avoid transmitting the virus.

• Don’t sweep negative feelings under the rug – fear and anxiety can act like a funnel, focusing us on what’s truly important. It’s not about glossing over difficult emotions, but letting them co-exist with other feelings like gratitude, or even joy.

These tips were adapted from the Smarter Living column of The New York Times, “How to Stay Optimistic When Everything Seems Wrong.” (April 29, 2020 edition.)

Staying hopeful is a choice, one I make over and over with a little help from my friends even during an endless parade of Groundhog Days.