My new book takes a hard look at love. If your partner is neurodivergent, you have special challenges to overcome. My new memoir, forthcoming from Vine Leaves Press in November, is an unflinching exploration of love on the autism spectrum.
When I began writing my book in 2021, I called it Better Late: Love and Marriage after 65. It was wry, hopeful, self-deprecating, a “look how cute we are” version of two wildly different people in a late-in-life marriage full of perplexing but humorous misunderstandings. My husband was still masking then, copying his peers and adhering to most neurotypical social conventions. But that was about to change.
In the beginning, I had a pop psychology view of Asperger’s syndrome (now called ASD-1) – a condition of social awkwardness, unique turns of phrase, and difficulty expressing feelings, that affects up to 4 percent of U.S. men according to the CDC. Those estimates are likely a vast undercount. Many older autistic individuals are undiagnosed, and receive no support.
After three years in a high-conflict marriage, I ended up with a hard won understanding of autism and the many ways it creates trip wires in intimate relationships.
Trial and Error
Through painful trial and error I found which resources worked (only those provided by trained neurodiverse relationship experts) and which didn’t (traditional psychotherapy or services geared to NT couples).
As my husband stopped masking his neurodivergence, and our conflicts ignited with alarming frequency, I changed the title to Space and Grace: A Neurodiverse Love Story. Now the story was evolving into a more sober assessment of opposite neurotypes, one neurodivergent (ND) and one neurotypical (NT), and away from a romance between two quirky seniors. As we struggled to get support for our ND/NT pairing, and the marriage began to break down, the title changed again.
I submitted the final version of Disconnected: Portrait of a Neurodiverse Marriage to Vine Leaves Press in the first week of May. I’ve taken a crash course in neurodiverse marriage and shared my findings with readers. My new book shows how our attempt to bridge opposite neurotypes fell short of creating a supportive or loving partnership. In order to survive psychologically and emotionally, I had to leave. Ending my marriage broke my heart.
But it also liberated me to fully claim my own life and well being.
Bridging the Gaps
The vast majority of neurodiverse marriages – up to 85 percent – end in divorce. Most couples do not realize they are in an ND/NT partnership and may suffer for years without support. Usually, it is the NT wife who suspects autism. To make sense of the disconnects, she informally diagnoses her husband. If she’s lucky, he seeks a formal diagnosis and gets support for his neurodivergence and treatment for the mental health conditions – depression, anxiety, pervasive demand avoidance, alexithymia – that often accompany it. More rarely, an NT husband finds himself paired with an ND wife.
If a partner acknowledges ASD-1 and takes steps to mitigate unhelpful behaviors, and if the NT partner learns to accommodate differences and modify her expectations, the couple stands a chance of staying together, often leading separate lives, or even living apart most of the time.
My husband declined to be evaluated, participated reluctantly in an ND/NT couples support group, and refused to engage with an autism coach. Without his acceptance and active participation, it was impossible to bridge the gaps.
Dueling Neurotypes
Disconnected traces the evolution of our love story from romance, to marriage, to a dawning realization that our dueling neurotypes predisposed us to conflict. In 31 short punchy chapters, I show how the trauma of neglect, gaslighting, and shutdowns ultimately drove me away. My aim was to create a portrait of a marriage that would resonate with anyone who struggles to grasp how even the closest bonds can break and wonders, then what?
We worked hard to save our marriage. Our opposite world views and communication styles made it impossible to continue. I’ve encountered many couples who had no idea one of them was neurodivergent and were completely baffled by their communication problems. This book is written especially for the neurotypical partner who struggles to maintain her reality and her very identity when the man she married turns out to be someone she no longer recognizes.
The book includes resources for neurodiverse couples. Pre-orders will be available in August. My newsletter subscribers will be the first to receive special offers and insider information. Please join my “street team” and spread the word as we celebrate the birth of my new book.
I admire your courageous journey through this relationship and all it revealed. Your book will be so useful to many people. Congratulations!
Thank you, Susan. It has been a voyage of discovery. I sincerely hope it helps many people who may be as confused about neurodiverse relationships as I was. I appreciate your support.
It will be a tough journey with you, Eleanor, but I will walk right along with you, my valued writing friend .My daughter is presently working through surviving a former neurodivergent marriage to a brilliant young scientist at a topnotch college. Their marriage started out radiantly until his mask slowly faded and the horror of finding no pathway to the intimacy that seemed so real in the beginning has been a horrific road to travel. THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY so that others may learn and understand this hugely complex marital challenge and, hopefully, some may learn from you prior to their vows.
Mary Jo – I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. When the mask drops, the shock is profound. It is a hugely complex challenge. My intention is to inform as many people as possible about the realities of neurodiverse relationships. Thank you for your support.
I’m writing about a neurodivergent woman in my work-in-progress novel Obsession Unleashed….scary stuff.
Susan – that sounds like a fascinating project. Best wishes to you.
Ellie, this is something that I had no idea existed. I’m so sorry for the pain that you and Alex must have experienced, but I feel this is something that will be beneficial to those who may be experiencing this. You are an inspiration.
Amie – Thanks for your kindness. I hope my book inspires many people, and educates couples about the realities of neurodiverse relationships.
Wow Eleanor!! You have been through so many struggles in your life journey. I’m amazed by you. You have thrived beautifully, through it all!! I’m also very inspired by your strength and that you share, openly, through your writing, with the rest of the world. A huge CONGRATULATIONS on the publishing of this very important book. So happy for you.
Mary Jane – thank you so much for your support as I approach publication. What I’m living through now is one of the most painful struggles I’ve encountered, one I could not have anticipated. In the beginning, it was very different. But once the marriage broke, it shattered. Thankfully, I was able to free myself.
Thank you, Eleanor! This sounds wonderful (as well as painful). I look forward to reading it; I think I might fit the ND wife end of things, but I think I will understand more with reading. I also suspect my parents were NT (my mom) and ND (my dad)… and came to have a long, committed, and in many ways separate relationship/marriage.
Thanks for reading and for your observations Eileen.
Congratulations on your new book! As a psychotherapist who often works with ND people, I look forward to reading your book.
I appreciate your support Sean!
Eleanor, once again you are providing readers with words and insights to navigate pain. Can’t wait to read!
September, thanks for your kind words and unfailing support.
I want to be on your launch team!
Cathy –
I’d be delighted to have you on the team!
Let’s talk soon.
xo
Eleanor